We, and by “we” I mean Ghostfuckers, are a paranormal organization started by me, a part-time gym teacher and my cousin Jerry, a full-time manager at Bob’s Big Boy, who came together for one mission and one mission only: to fuck ghosts. Why ghosts, you ask? There is nothing wrong or shameful about being attracted to disembodied spirits. Or dead people for that matter. We’re just like you, normal people with a passion and purpose. That’s why we created this group in the first place, to seek out other like-minded individuals who don’t mind getting it on with poltergeists.
Don’t get me wrong, seducing ghosts is serious business: you have to create the right conditions or they won’t even show up. Just ask my cousin Jerry, who spent three hours in an abandoned sawmill with his pants down with only a frostbitten erection to show for it. You got to set the right mood, scatter some rose petals, light some candles. Ask them about their day. Maybe work in a foot massage, if they’re the type of spirit with feet, for example. Ghosts have all the time in the world (they’re dead, remember?) so they don’t like to be rushed. Don’t skip foreplay, and whatever you do, don’t bring up the subject of their untimely demise. I’ve found it to be a turn off with the recently deceased.
Here are a handful of tips I’ve found to be productive when trying to initiate relations with those who have crossed over to the other side:
Tip One: Learn to embrace your dark side
Ghosts love it when you play up your own inner turmoil because it makes them feel better about themselves. We’ve all heard the stories about how ghosts usually can’t pass over because of some “unfinished business,” and I’m here to tell you that your suspicions are correct. All ghosts have their insecurities, just like people. So what better way of establishing a connection with them then revealing yours? Maybe read some of your terrible poetry from your high school diary or perform an uncomfortable jazz trumpet solo. They might find your awkwardness endearing and thus be more willing to possess you.
Tip Two: Plan ahead
Remember, you are entering the ghost’s home turf. Chances are they are more comfortable with the area they are haunting than you are so be sure to look out for booby traps. Again, just ask my cousin Jerry who once got kicked in the nuts by a rigged suit of armor. Arrive before sundown with a comfortable sleeping bag, EMF detector, and plenty of snacks. You might want to think twice before video recording your experience, however. Some ghosts are a little camera shy, so remember to ask and be respectful. You don’t want to have an angry spectre on your hands if they find out they’ve accidentally been videotaped. Pack clean underwear and cologne. Practice good grooming habits because it lets them know you care, even if they no longer have a sense of smell.
Tip Three: Set the stage for romance
Ghosts are shy when it comes to initiating things. That’s why it’s on you to make them as comfortable as possible (see Tip One). Scream a little. Rattle a few chains. Maybe draw something on the walls in blood. Personally, I like to indulge in a little throat singing or Gregorian chants while I limber up. Drives the ghost ladies wild. My ex-wife Linda always tells me that if I put as much effort into seducing ghosts as I did in our marriage, we might still be together. I say nonsense. Ghost women never bug you about the little things, like quitting your job to pursue puppeteering full time or investing in all of your shared savings in Bitcoin.
Tip Four: Prepare your body
When your ghost lover finally possesses you, you might be out for hours. Possibly even days. In that time, you need to take the appropriate precautions. Hydration is an essential part of any paranormal seduction.
Here’s how to make your own spectral smoothie, guaranteed to restore your electrolytes after sweet, phantasmic lovemaking:
1 part baby formula
2 parts Gatorade
1 banana, for potassium
Crushed ice, to serve
As always, check with your doctor to make sure that you can handle the stress. Get your heart and blood pressure checked out or schedule a routine physical beforehand.
Tip Five: Have fun and be yourself
Some people take their attraction to spirits very, very seriously, but I also think it’s important to just have fun with it. A sense of humor is key when trying to attract the right kind of ghost. You have to be willing to laugh at yourself. Got a tiny dick or flabby vagina? Make jokes about it constantly to demonstrate how un-self-conscious about it you are. Got a weird mole on your ass? Get a giant neck tattoo to distract them from it. Have you recently moved back in with your parents after a soul crushing divorce? See if they would be willing to sublet.
Tip Six: Make sure you are not interrupted by another paranormal investigation team
I don’t know how many times I’ve been in the middle of a lovemaking session and been rudely interrupted by another team of paranormal investigators who booked the same haunted location at the same time. I cannot stress the importance of securing your location early and in advance. Case in point: my cousin Jerry was at the Trans-Allegheny Lunatic Asylum the same night they were shooting an episode of Ghost Hunters, and, well, long story short he was almost filmed bare-assed on national television. The folks over at the Lewis County Sherriff’s Department thought he was on LSD and locked him up in the drunk tank. We shouldn’t have to explain our desires to everyone (Linda), this is America. Our forefathers didn’t die for our freedoms only to have their descendants face this kind of discrimination.
Tip Seven: Spice things up with a little pillow talk
The trick to maintaining relations with your ghost lover and keep things interesting is routinely engaging in a little naughty dialogue. Say things like, “This cold spot is making me hard” or, “You look so sexy inside that floating bedpan.” Seducing the paranormal doesn’t give you license to be boring, let your inhibitions go and your sexuality run free! A word on engaging multiple spirits: Ghosts tend to be a little bit possessive (no pun intended) of their hosts, so I would make sure that it is alright with your primary spirit before initiating contact with any others, simultaneously or otherwise. Poor cousin Jerry found himself in a nightmare ordeal last year when he was possessed by Lizzie Borden’s sister and nearly got his tackle box lopped off by Lizzie herself! Ho ho! Nearly gave him thirty whacks, and not the dirty kind!
Tip Eight: Set aside your assets
You might think that seducing ghosts would be less expensive than regular dating: no flowers, dinners, or jewelry to buy. But you would be wrong. I’ve drained the remainder of my savings into traveling across the country with my cousin Jerry after the divorce. The money tended to go rather quickly after deducting the following expenses: giant neck tattoo, Chia seeds, rabies vaccine, puppeteering lessons, a dozen penis braces, bedpan, EMF equipment, and bail for cousin Jerry. Therefore, it’s a good idea to make sure that your assets are in order, should you decide to embark on a haunted sexual odyssey like me. The paranormal playboy lifestyle is not intended for everyone, believe me. You’ll have to make some sacrifices, financial or otherwise, along the way. Some people (Linda) might not understand your decisions, but that doesn’t make them any less valid. So I would encourage you all to get out there and embrace the beauty of the unknown! Hump a headless horseman! Bang a banshee! Diddle a demon! The world is yours!
Kellye McBride lives in Portland with her dog, Pucci. When she’s not writing
flash fiction, she works as a copyeditor for science and technical books. In
a former life, she shelved books at a library and told fortunes before being
burned at the stake.