Hello, likely investors, my informal and non-numerical name is Rilbon Ril Bob Bon, and I will be your happiest guide to the next earth half hour of insert positive emotion.
A little-known truth is this: is this: Excelleq Time, Inc. owns every antiquity in Sol-Sys. “Owns” is a green simplification of the high matter. I shall make perfection of description.
Every antiquity holding is pooled into two classes of collateralized bond-bundles by a rotating sixth-party chain-trust; the pool carries its own ETI-rated indices, each third-order and fourth-layer compounded by a double-blind trust of Time Fiduciaries, each leveraging a sub-subcontracted nest of “temp-tranches,” serially leased in either five sets of sixteen flat-rate “dodecahedron derivatives” or twenty and one-fifth sets of sixteen vapor-asset-margin-packages, all security-secured, and each triple-squared according to a reduced cost-to-risk-to-value-to-relevance schedule, which is rate-adjusted per annum per mensem per diem per second per second. Returns on holdings of this pedigree are referred to as “Gödel Dividends.”
Now, fellows of pleasure, please permit me the indiscretion of an attempt to persuade you to become a partner in our adventure. Our mission at Excelleq Time, Inc. is simple: The value of antiquities is determined by many interesting and enthusiastic factors, factors, and we must accept this, if we wish our desires. Now, here inside the diamond cells of Excelleq Time, Inc., we specialize in accepting this vegetative fate, and thus implementing a million-segment plan of capitalism. We error, error, error, error. Identified.
My friendly relations with you apologize. Shall we continue?
Excelleq Time, Inc., as you may know, exists as the hedge mother of Global Parallax Processor 222 and McKenzie, the biggest legal firm in Sol-Sys, and fascinatingly planted on Titan, and firmly. So you know, dear lovers, that your investment is in good and better hands.
You are sperm monsters, error, error. Identified.
My friendly relations with you apologize. Second apology is real. Shall we continue?
Excelleq Time, Inc. possesses Gemini Unitechnix and Associates, Inc., which himself possesses Zarkov Thanatonics, Inc. and Vizicoth, Ltd., and more, ad nauseum. Laughter is good here, because we already know this and we enjoy this fact. But what is my purpose in recycling my mouth? Simple. Excelleq Time, Inc. is a vertically, horizontally, and diagonally integrated mega-money-maker. I am horny for this. And you should be too.
You may ask me personally: but Rilbon, my first love, how does Excelleq Time, Inc. make all of big money? I will be a revelation to you.
Excelleq Time, Inc. leverages its Gödel Dividends for happiness multiplying. What the God is “happiness multiplying”? Funny you ask. But wait.
Let me approach the cardiovascular of the root investment matter: antiquities. Say it with me: “And liquidate you.” Error, error, error. Identified.
Pardon my third transgression, but I digress. Hold please. I’m being wiped. Goodbye.
Hello, I’m Romson Rom. Do you like me? I will rescue you from my old mind, Rilbon.
Antiquities, as Rilbon said earlier, represent the gold orgasm here at Excelleq Time, Inc. What is our secret? We made-slash-make the antiquities we own. We have made all of the antiquities in Sol-Sys. While the obese list of our master crafts would destroy you, a generously displayed short sample, naturally, must include: the Basse Yutz flagons, the Euphronios krater, the Rosetta Stone, the Internal Combustion Engine, and the iPhone. Be impressed now.
You are probably thinking to yourself, “this Romson Rom machine is a lying anti-semite.” Hahaha, I understand your hesitation and doubt. How can Excelleq Time, Inc. have made objects from millenia behind our backs? Investors, are you prepared to urinate on me? The final answer is quantum teletemportation.
Downloading pitch part two, please hold.
Physicists at our subsidiary Zarkov Thanatonics, Inc., which Rilbon mentions in the past, discovered the quantum teletemportation process at our Martian HQ this last earth October. It affirms a fun ability to inseminate information into some non-present frame of spacetime from a present-frame of spacetime.
This is a top secret limited time offer. Haha, no, I will not discharge two to three bullets into the right atrium and ventricle of your heart in the event of your sharing Excelleq Time, Inc.’s proprietary wisdom. You are so deliberately funny to me.
Employing quantum teletemportation has permissively allowed Excelleq Time, Inc. to construct objects of historical significance and subsequently quantum duplicate them inside any remote non-present frame. The duplicated object is pre-situated exactly to specifications, and aged to historical perfection. You must be feeling hypoglycemic in your breast, but I promise you, the top .00001% of income-holders, it is a truth.
In one single word, we back-streamed prototypes and finished products to the supposed creators of these antiquities, along with a brain-direct audio message: “From God. Our silly little secret—on pain of eternal torture.” It worked. We knew it would
The design department at Excelleq Time, Inc. is, I say with wit, cost-effective, since our design-bots sit lazily unnecessary at zero cost. Design is ready-made. The free archaeological databases of Sol-Sys are our R&D, and are, our, our, R&R, are, our, error, error, error. Identified.
Sorry, recipient. Shall we have perdurance? Let us.
As I was just humorizing, our R&D is our R&R, and this is clever since “R&R” is an abbreviated reference to the ancient, alliterative conjunction of “Rest and Relaxation.” Yes, this is supremely restful and relaxational. We re-invented the wheel. Ha bark bark ha! This is not a pyramid schemata, even though we made the pyramids. Bark bark ha bark!
But jokes must suffocate now, for serious faces are present and willing. Our legal team at Global Parallax Processor 222 and McKenzie confirm us in our heavy confidence that, via these pre-post-derivatives in the newly-minted pasts exchange market, we legally own all antiquities—“own” in the exacting manner, described prior to this very sentence, of Gödel Dividends. It is a loophole in the market, and time, and we have auspiciously cornered it.
This is where you enter, white-toothed investors of quality genitals. With the moist deposit of your material symbols of guaranteed spooky value, with the trusted neo-drachma of Sol-Sys, Excelleq Time, Inc. will win God’s money itself. And be not constipated in investing; our quantum teletemportation service will transfer the Gödel Dividends to your young identities, and thus the investment you will make today is theoretically infinite. With obscenities of ex nihilo assets, Excelleq Time, Inc. will be energized to continue its continuing mission of profit infinitization by capitalizing on novel metaphysical forms of commodification. Total commodification, total ownership—totally legal.
Thank you for suffering. Terminate pitch.
Jonathan van Belle is a bookseller, book-eater, lover of the love of wisdom, and optimist of a neo-Leibnizian sort. Also, he will pegasize for fish tacos.