Baby Fever – Mickey Collins

Abstract: 

Is “baby fever” a real disease? Is there a ticking “biological clock”? After a close personal study of two subjects, the findings of this paper set out to prove that baby fever is indeed a real and also deadly disease. Symptoms of baby fever were found to include: a fever, sweating, swelling, paranoia, nesting, unease, slothfulness, increased sex drive, increased energy, talkativity, socializing, nagging, and more.

Limitations: 

Every effort was taken to be impartial during this research, however as one of the subjects is also a co-author of this paper, impartiality cannot be assumed.

Methodology: 

This research followed two subjects, one female and one male, over the course of seven years. Data was gathered through interviews, observation, and quantitative methods such as questionnaires.

Subject A: Twenty-something year old female

Subject B: Twenty-something year old male.

As Subject A’s age neared 30 years old, she began to have increasingly positive reactions towards babies (see Fig. 1). At the beginning of the relationship with Subject B, when Subject A’s age was closer to 20 years old, this was not the case. 

An informal survey filled out by both subjects at the beginning of their adult lives ranked the importance of life events, such as having a career, having a baby, getting married, buying a house, etc. The survey was then repeated 7 years later, with Subjects closer to 30 years of age. The results of the first survey had “having a baby” toward the middle of both surveys filled out by the Subjects, though Subject A still had it ranked higher than Subject B. In the second survey, “having a baby” moved down the ranks for Subject B, but higher for Subject A. 

Subject B experienced a steady disinterest in babies, and in fact had negative reactions at times. Subject B showed no signs of baby fever, despite his close proximity to the symptomatic Subject A. However, there is not enough evidence to say that it is not contagious, as Subject A was close with symptomatic female friends and family who had already had babies. 

Each occurrence of a family member birthing another baby exponentially increased the amount of baby talk that Subject A subjected Subject B to. The amount of societal pressure increased with each “baby event” as well, with conversations from close family and friends such as, “When are you going to have a little one?” and “Where’s my grandbaby?”. There was a direct correlation between these baby talks with family and the amount of arguing between Subject A and Subject B (Fig. 2).

One positive outcome of these baby talks for Subject B was the increased sex drive realized in Subject A. With babies on the mind, Subject A was more willing to participate in sexual intercourse–usually unprotected–with Subject B (Figs. 3a, b, c, d, and e). 

One unexpected result of increased sexual activity was an increase in “nagging,” as nagging events were found to increase in parallel with sexual encounters. Subject A described the nagging as, “Nagging? What nagging? I gently prod until I get my way.” Subject B described the nagging as, “A bloody screaming match that would wake the neighbors” and, “Yes, dear.”

The baby fever increased to such a degree that Subject B worried Subject A would succumb to its deadly symptoms. Not willing to “go it alone,” Subject B contracted Baby Fever as well.

Conclusion:

The only cure for Baby Fever is death. The death of a social life, the death of a sleep schedule, the death of any free time, and in rare cases the death of a relationship. These researchers hope to follow up with Subjects A, B, (and now, C) in seven years time.



Mickey rights wrongs. Mickey wrongs rites. Mickey writes words, sometimes wrong words but he tries to get it write.

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