When kissing the Minotaur, get a firm grip on his horns
It’s your best chance to avoid a concussion
Make plenty of noise when you enter the labyrinth
You don’t want to surprise the Minotaur
But don’t whistle
He hates whistling
The Minotaur likes oats
Also, scrambled eggs
Also, the brains of heroes he vanquishes
You can never flatter the Minotaur enough
But don’t ever, ever look at his snout
Or ask about his mom
Don’t chew gum
The Minotaur will think you’re making fun of him
And don’t turn your back on the Minotaur
This may invite a charge
When uncertain, treat the Minotaur as you would a toddler
Holding a stick of dynamite
In one hand
And a match
In the other
Flowers work, sometimes
And always bring a ball of string to find your way out
Whatever you do, don’t tug on the Minotaur’s tail
No matter how many times he asks you
Stephen Kelly lives in Portland with his wife and son. His work has appeared in
1001 Journal. He sold, boxed and shipped books and magazines working for
a craft brewers association years ago.